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1. The Solution? Flip Flops! Flip Flops All The Time!
I would actually just suggest that she don her footwear while sitting on a chair or an ottoman, but that's how you get hit with a shoe, so, you know, be careful!
2. North, Apple, Hudson, Higgs-Boson...What The Hell Is Wrong With These People!
It's actually an extremely fine line you have to walk between naming your kid something cool and unique and going full blown celebrity crazy and naming them after directions and department stores and abstract concepts and so on!
3. No Shave November? No Shave No Ever!
It's okay, really! All kinds of retro stuff is coming back into style, so you'll just be bringing the '70s adult movie look back for nine months, no sweat!
4. Are You Playing A Championship Game Of Twister In There?
"I'm either having the next Ralph Machio or the next Beckham but whichever it is, they're training already!"
5. Challenge This Theory And You Will See The Claws!
"Yeah baby, absolutely! Like...RAWR...amirite! Lookin good!" - A man who wants to live
6. On My Belly, In My Belly, It's All The Same!
There is some kind of stomach Inception thing going on here!
7. The Old Pickles And Chocolate Ice Cream, Eh!
What no one tells you is that this works both ways too! Pregnant women become even more adverse to things they already disliked when their "with child!" Thanks to me, my Mom can't smell bacon anymore without getting sick, and my sister actually kicked her husband out of the delivery room for eating wine gums like the peasant that he is!
8. Stay Cool, Stay Cool, Giving Birth In Jail Would $uck!
I still don't understand why people even comment at all! At best, she's pregnant and uncomfortable right now, at worst, she's just fat and you literally just stepped into the most cliche social faux pa of ever!
9. Boys, You Now Have An Official DD For Nine Months!
Half the reason we agreed to have kids, amirite! Be careful though, do not abuse this privilege, she hated babysitting your d--nk a$$ when she WASN'T pregnant, imagine how she'll like it with all those fun, new hormones swimming around!
10. Do Women Even Try This?
Like can you rack plates on the bench with a human growing in you? You wouldn't even be able to fully extend a bicep curl! Better not risk it!
11. No Joke, This Is Our Number One Fear!
There's this irrational idea that something will happen and the baby will be born with a dent in it's head or something! Imagine facing that child for the rest of your life, always knowing what you did!
12. "What Mustache, Babe? I Don't See Anything!"
What a double slap in the face. You can't shave the bits you want to and you have to shave the bits you shouldn't need to! Maybe this whole pregnancy thing is overrated!
13. Maybe It Won't Hurt That Much!
Psych, it totally will! We had to watch these movies in high school, it was called 'The Miracle Of Life,' but let me tell ya, that was no miracle!
14. I Can't Get Comfortable, No Matter Where I MOOOOOve!
Men, you deny this, you deny this the whole time! She'll keep saying it, you keep denying it. And rubbing her feet, apparently that's a thing. But deny first!
15. Those Last Few Days
The stress, the lack of sleep, the constant state of preparedness, the tensions, the day bags, it truly is a magical time!
16. MOM SMASH!
You don't want to catch hands when their the size of a roasted ham, so shape up, fellas!
17. How Is An Excuse To Get Fat A Bad Thing!
The thing to remember is that hers is going to literally fall out of her, so you can't let yourself slide too far!
18. The Preggers P33
It's like having the diabeetus, but worse!
19. "Aaaaaaaaand It's Gone!"
It's like the day after leg day! Just kidding, there is no leg day!
20. This Would Be Horrible For All Involved, The poor Bus Driver!
I've always been really curious about whether or not it actually happens like this! Like, is it really a waterfall? How much water is in there? Is it water? How does it break? I need to go to some classes or something!
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